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ぶろ愚の骨頂 遠距離の負い目

ぶろ愚の骨頂

源九郎の日々のつれづれ、心のつれづれ、Mac & iPhone 3Gのつれづれ

11

2006


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2006年11月10日(金)

遠距離の負い目 [今もそこにある光]

 オレは車というものを持っていない。免許はあるが、定期的に更新が必要な、ただの身分証明書になってしまっている。

 オレの2度の恋愛はともに遠距離。

 1人目の彼氏は旭川。2人目の彼氏は帯広。電車に数時間揺られて会いに行ったものだ。

 わざわざ遠距離の相手を選んだのではなく、結果として遠距離になる相手を好きになり、付き合うことになってしまったのだが、2人目の彼氏と付き合っていた頃から、相手が若かった(若すぎた?)所為か、遠距離になってしまったことに対して負い目のようなものを感じるようになった。

 遠距離の負い目。

 それは、今すぐ会いたいという時に会ってやれないこと。風邪を引いてふせっても、看病ひとつしてあげられないこと。
 傍にいて欲しいと思う時に傍にいてやれないこと…。

 2人目の彼氏と付き合い始めて間もない頃、彼氏が泣いて取り乱して電話をかけてきたことがある。
 母親と喧嘩をした際に、云いたくはなかった言葉を云ってしまったといい、冬の寒空の下、泣きながら電話をかけてきたのだ。
 本当ならば、オレは彼氏の元に飛んでいき、優しく抱きしめてあげるべきなのだろうが、電車でも3〜4時間はかかる距離。夜中ではその電車すらない…。
 オレには電話越しに慰めてやることしか出来なかった。

 同じようなことが2度あった。

 オレはその時も同じように、泣きじゃくり苦しむ彼氏に対してただ電話口で優しく話しかけてやることしか出来なかった。

 心に大きな傷を負っている彼氏には、いつも傍にいて優しく見守っていてあげられる相手が必要なのに、オレにはそうしてあげられなかった。

 それ以降、遠距離恋愛を否定こそしないにしろ、負い目がある。
 傍にいてあげられないという負い目が。

 それなのに遠くの彼を好きになってしまうのは、皮肉なものだ。

「好きだ」と伝えてはみたものの、この負い目が重くのしかかる。

 オレは本当に彼を好きになるに足る人間か。

 彼のことを考える時、いつも自分に問いかける。
 それでも“好き”という想いが強いから、遠距離恋愛を否定することなど出来ないンだ。

 傍にいてあげられないことが辛い時がある。
 今はただの〔遠距離片思い〕だけどね。

Posted by 源九郎 at 22時30分

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