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ぶろ愚の骨頂

ぶろ愚の骨頂

源九郎の日々のつれづれ、心のつれづれ、Mac & iPhone 3Gのつれづれ

1

2007


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2007年01月14日(日)

あいつとアイツ [今もそこにある光/その先にある光]

 メッセで元カレに叱られた…。
 2年ぶりだというのにやっぱり叱られてるオレ…。『叱られキャラ』はダテじゃない?(笑

「幸せにできなかった」なンて思うなッて。
 付き合っている間は幸せだったし、色んなものをもらったと。
 今の自分があるのはオレのお陰とまで云ってくれた。(もちろん、オレ一人のお陰ではないけどね)

 その言葉の全てを素直に受け入れられるほどオレは自信家ではないし、まだ少しは負い目のようなものが残っているけど、もう二度とそんなことは云わないようにしよう。

 そうでなければあいつが嘘をついていることになる。

 あの時はオレも幸せだった。
 そして今も、時には思い悩まされることはあるが、幸せだ。

 これからは「幸せを共有したあいつ」と「幸せを共有したいアイツ」この2人を大切にしていこう…。

 去年の暮れ辺りから堕ち気味だったけど、少し気分が晴れた感じ。

 そう「オレはいつでも元気」だよ。


 あ、結局またネタにしちゃったよ…。

Posted by 源九郎 at 19時38分   パーマリンク

二兎を想う者は一兎をも獲ず [今もそこにある光]

 数日前に送った元カレへのメッセージの返事が届いた。

 アイツに電話で「早く諦めろよ…」とか云われながらも、一応15日に会いに行く時間を確認したりと1時間ばかり話をした後にメッセージが届いているのに気付いた。

 ホント、オレの人生ッて、どれだけタイミング良く出来てるンだろ…。

 案の定、最後まで読んでちょっとウルッと来た。
 やっぱり嬉しかったからね。メッセージが来たこと自体も嬉しかったし、今年の3月には念願の保育士になることが決まったッてことを知ることが出来たのも嬉しかった。(このぶろ愚もずっと読まれていたのも知って、ちょっと冷汗…)

 まぁ、もっと色々と書きたいことはあったのだけれど、本人も読んでいることもあり、以下自粛ッてことで…(笑
 嬉しいことばかり書いてあったことだけは云っておこうかな。
「幸せにできなかった」なンて思うなッて説教されちゃったよ。さすが成人しただけのことはある。(付き合ってた頃から叱られてばかりだったけど…)

 元カレネタに使ってきた「届かぬ心」のカテゴリは後日変更します。何かいいのが思い付いたらね。

Posted by 源九郎 at 02時01分   パーマリンク

2007年01月11日(木)

ヴィヴィアン好きッて… [今もそこにある光/その先にある光]

 数日前、mixiにいる元カレにメッセージを送った。
 去年の11月にオレのTopを踏んでから、ニックネームを変え、Top画を消したままにしているのが気になったのと、成人のお祝いを兼ねて…。

 内容的には初夢(?)の中で云ったことをそのまま書いたのだが、上手く伝わったかどうか。
 …ッて云うか、ほとんどログインしてないみたいだから、まだ読んでないだろうな。

 久々に元カレのTopを踏んで判明したこと…『ヴィヴィアン好き』…思わず「お前もかよ…」とひとり笑ってしまった。『(未購入…涙)』の文字に思わず何か買ってやりたくなったのは、何も買ってやれなかったという後悔があるからだろうか…。

 そう云えば元カレには何も買ってやれなかった。せいぜい安物のペア・リングぐらいだもンな。今、アイツに会いに行く度になにがしか買っていくのはその反動だろうか。
 まぁ、クリスマス、成人式、そして来月の誕生日と、プレゼントやお祝いを贈る時季が続いた所為かもな。
 今月もまた、成人祝いの他にもアレコレと買い込んでしまった。あとは日本酒を行きがけに買うだけだ。
 来月は誕生日だけど、正直ネタ切れで何を買ってあげたらいいのか困っていたりする。(本人は何もいらない、と云ってるけどね)
「いらない」とは云ってはいるけど、今欲しいものを聞き出さなきゃなぁ〜。でも、聞くと決まって高価なものを云うンだよな。「フランクミューラー」とかオレには到底買えないものを…。
 買えそうなものだとホントに買うからだって。

 でもやっぱり、誕生日プレゼントは買ってあげたいよなぁ…。(フランクミューラーは無理だけど…)

Posted by 源九郎 at 02時06分   パーマリンク

2007年01月09日(火)

潜航 [今もそこにある光/その先にある光]

 今年に入って堕ちたまま這い上がれずに潜航中…。

 オレはなンだろうと自問自答。考えるまでもないのにな。
 答えは出ている。

「なんでもない」

 ちょっとでも、ホンのわずかでもいいから特別な存在でありたいと思うのは無理なことなのだろうな。

 所詮無理。

 オレにとっては唯一の存在でも、オレはそうじゃない。

 オレは…論外か。

 元カレを幸せにしてやれなかった負い目と後悔がオレを押し潰す。
 幸せにしてあげられない惨めさがオレを斬り刻む。

 現在潜航中。ソナー反応なし。

Posted by 源九郎 at 00時04分   パーマリンク

2007年01月07日(日)

祝・成人 [今もそこにある光/その先にある光]

 明日、明後日の2日間でほとんどの地域で成人式が行われるのだろう。
 去年、破綻を表明したオレの生まれ故郷、夕張では市から支給される予算1万円という中、市民などからの好意の寄付もあり、成人たち自らの手で作られた質素な成人式が執り行われる。
 毎年、成人の日といえば、成人の暴走などで何かとニュースで取りざたされているが、今年はどうなるのだろう。
 夕張の成人たちの苦労を考えたら能天気に浮かれまくっていられないような気もしないではないが、所詮は他人事なんだろうな。明日のニュースでは今年も暴れ回る成人たちの姿が流され、成人式の是非を問う声が上がるのだろう。

 元カレとアイツ、オレの大切な2人もまた、成人式を迎える。

 今も大切な人と、今一番大切な人。幸せにしてやれなかった人と幸せにしてやれない人。
 偶然か皮肉か、2人は同い年。

 願わくば、馬鹿な連中と同じようなことだけはしないで欲しいな。

 成人、おめでとう。

Posted by 源九郎 at 00時42分   パーマリンク

2007年01月03日(水)

初夢? [その先にある光]

 おかしな夢を見た。

 アイツとそして知らないような知っているようなヤツ数人と一緒にいるのだが、何かがおかしい。

 ふと気づく。

 アイツだと思っていたのはアイツではなく元カレだ。

 元カレだと気づいて名前を呼ぶ。
「あきら?」
 どこかへ行こうとする元カレを追って行くと、階段に座り込んでいる元カレをみつけ、その隣に座る。

 そしてこう話しかけた。
「もう逃げる必要なンてないゾ。もう未練はないから…。
 全くないと云えば嘘になるけど、今はオレにも好きな人が出来たから。やっと出来たから…。
 お前は今、幸せなンだろ?」と…。

 そこにアイツが通りがかり、オレはアイツを追って元カレのもとを離れるが、今度はアイツを見失う。
 慌てて電話をかけようとするが携帯がない。
 携帯を探しに戻り、携帯をみつけたところで目が覚めた。


 2日の昼間にウトウトしてる間に見た夢たが、これッて初夢になるのかな?

 とにかく変な夢だった。
 アイツもそして元カレも似てはいるが全くの別人だった。
 元カレあンなに老けてないゾ。アイツと同い年なンだから!と、夢に突っ込ンでしまった。
 一緒にいた人間も親し気だけど誰なのかは判らないし。

 この夢はなにかを示唆しているのだろうか?
 一緒にいたのはマイミクさんたち?
 元カレが出てきたのは恐らく最近、別れることになったことへの負い目を感じていたからだろうし、アイツを見失うのは、今も見失いかけているからだろう。
 去年の暮れから年明けにかけてあれこれと堕ちるようなことばかり考えているから、こんな夢を見たのだろうか…。

 直接の引き金は指輪かも…。

 よっぽど混乱しているのか、今日もアイツのこと考えながら元カレの名前呼んでるし…。
 新年早々、こんな調子でどうなるンだろ、オレ…。

Posted by 源九郎 at 00時54分   パーマリンク

2007年01月02日(火)

自戒の片割れリング [その先にある光]

 新年早々墜落気味。

 遠い遠い、オレなンかには絶対に手の届かない相手を好きになってしまった、そンな気がしてならない。
 いや、これは最初ッから判っていたことか。

 アイツの心の中には今も誰かがいて、そして今、誰かを好きになっている。そんな考えが深まって行く。

 しかも近頃元彼とのことを思い出す。
 別に未練があるわけではない。
 ただ、元彼すら幸せにしてやれなかったオレに、誰かを好きになる資格があるのかと自問自答するだけ。

 元彼と別れて以降も嵌め続け、アイツと再会し、アイツへの想いを自覚してからは外していた〔未練の片割れリング〕を引っ張り出してもう一度指に…。今度は〔自戒の片割れリング〕として。
「好きだ」という想いは伝えても、決して「付き合いたい」などとは云い出すまい。
 オレにはその資格がないのだから…。その戒めとしての指輪だ。

 今のままの関係が続けられればそれでいい。
 そしていずれは…覚悟は出来ている。

 不器用なオレは、諦めるなンてことができない。その代わりに出来ることが“消える”ことだ。
 その日がいつまでも来ないことを祈りながら…。

Posted by 源九郎 at 00時27分   パーマリンク

2007年01月01日(月)

新年明けちゃいました [戯れ言]

 寝ている間に年明けちゃいました。
 紅白は、チャンネル合わせた時に偶然出ていたWaTだけ見た。その後寝ちゃったんだな、目覚めたら1時過ぎてた。
 毎年こんな調子だ。年越しにはなんの感慨もなくなってしまったなぁ、ッて去年も書いたような気が…一昨年だったかな?

 今年はどんな年になるのかね。
 あンまりいい年になりそうもない気がする。

 好きな人が出来たのに、最近なんだか虚しいのはなんだろう。

 …新年早々、また堕ちてきた…。

Posted by 源九郎 at 09時11分   パーマリンク

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