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ぶろ愚の骨頂

ぶろ愚の骨頂

源九郎の日々のつれづれ、心のつれづれ、Mac & iPhone 3Gのつれづれ

11

2006


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2006年11月10日(金)

遠距離の負い目 [今もそこにある光]

 オレは車というものを持っていない。免許はあるが、定期的に更新が必要な、ただの身分証明書になってしまっている。

 オレの2度の恋愛はともに遠距離。

 1人目の彼氏は旭川。2人目の彼氏は帯広。電車に数時間揺られて会いに行ったものだ。

 わざわざ遠距離の相手を選んだのではなく、結果として遠距離になる相手を好きになり、付き合うことになってしまったのだが、2人目の彼氏と付き合っていた頃から、相手が若かった(若すぎた?)所為か、遠距離になってしまったことに対して負い目のようなものを感じるようになった。

 遠距離の負い目。

 それは、今すぐ会いたいという時に会ってやれないこと。風邪を引いてふせっても、看病ひとつしてあげられないこと。
 傍にいて欲しいと思う時に傍にいてやれないこと…。

 2人目の彼氏と付き合い始めて間もない頃、彼氏が泣いて取り乱して電話をかけてきたことがある。
 母親と喧嘩をした際に、云いたくはなかった言葉を云ってしまったといい、冬の寒空の下、泣きながら電話をかけてきたのだ。
 本当ならば、オレは彼氏の元に飛んでいき、優しく抱きしめてあげるべきなのだろうが、電車でも3〜4時間はかかる距離。夜中ではその電車すらない…。
 オレには電話越しに慰めてやることしか出来なかった。

 同じようなことが2度あった。

 オレはその時も同じように、泣きじゃくり苦しむ彼氏に対してただ電話口で優しく話しかけてやることしか出来なかった。

 心に大きな傷を負っている彼氏には、いつも傍にいて優しく見守っていてあげられる相手が必要なのに、オレにはそうしてあげられなかった。

 それ以降、遠距離恋愛を否定こそしないにしろ、負い目がある。
 傍にいてあげられないという負い目が。

 それなのに遠くの彼を好きになってしまうのは、皮肉なものだ。

「好きだ」と伝えてはみたものの、この負い目が重くのしかかる。

 オレは本当に彼を好きになるに足る人間か。

 彼のことを考える時、いつも自分に問いかける。
 それでも“好き”という想いが強いから、遠距離恋愛を否定することなど出来ないンだ。

 傍にいてあげられないことが辛い時がある。
 今はただの〔遠距離片思い〕だけどね。

Posted by 源九郎 at 22時30分   パーマリンク

2006年11月07日(火)

不安の塊 [その先にある光]

 mixiのマイミクさんに毎日のように励まされたり慰められたりしてるけど、正直云ってきつい。色恋沙汰にはてんで弱いオレ。

 ちょい凹ンでる…。

 潰れそうだ。

 不安の塊がみぞおちの辺りに詰まっているみたいだ。

 つらいね、2年ぶりのこの感情。
 久々の本気。本気で好きになるなンて。
 嬉しさ半分、つらさ半分…。

 人を本気で好きになると、嬉しい反面、苦しいッてことを忘れていた。

 仕事中も家にいても何をしてても考えてばかり。先の期待よりも今の不安の方が大きい。
 独りの時間が長かった所為か、どうも悪い方向にばかり考えてしまう。
 長い空白がオレを押し潰す。

 こういうマイナス思考は嫌われる原因になりかねないンだけどね。
 まぁ、これがオレだ。これで嫌われるのなら仕方ないが、もう少し強い男にならなくては…。

 独り相撲取ってるオレ。

 オレはあいつにとって相応しいのか?

 独りぼっちは、希望さえをも蝕ンでいく。

 勇気を奮い立たせよう。

 また、誰かの為に生きたいと思うことが出来るように。

 オレは好きな人の為にしか生きられないのだから。

Posted by 源九郎 at 00時35分   パーマリンク

2006年11月06日(月)

Skype Me [戯れ言]

 インストールしてみた。興味があったのでね。
 まだカメラがないのでテキストチャットと内蔵マイクを利用したボイスチャットしか出来ないけどね。いや、相手がいないのでどっちも出来ないか。

 Skypeッて、結局はYahoo!やMSNメッセンジャー、MacでいうiChatみたいなものなんだよね。多分…。有料にはなるけど、一般電話にもかけられる高機能のメッセンジャー。
 無料サービスでもPC同士で音声通話、それどころか、テレビ電話が楽しめるらしいので、遠距離中の恋人同士にはぴったりのサービスだね。
 これがあったら、Yahoo!もMSNもいらないかも。

 インストールしてみたのはいいけど、どうしても「テスト通話」のボタンが押せない。なにしろ“イギリス”ッて書いてあるンだもん。いきなり英語で話しかけられても…なのでね。
 もし英語で話しかけられたら…ビビッて接続解除してしまいそうだ(汗

 どうしよ、試しに押してみようか?

 で、思い切って押してみた。日本語でした…。ホッ。
 自動メッセージが再生されて、自分の声を吹き込んで、それがちゃんと録音されているかを聞く、というだけだった。
 なんだか面白くて内蔵マイクの入力レベルの調整しながら4回も試してしまったw w
 新しいおもちゃを手にした子供の気分。

画像(101x135)・拡大画像(240x320)

お気軽に呼びかけてみて下さいな!

 やっぱりいくらブロードバンドとは云え、収容局から離れたADSLではきついのか、それともオレのパワブの力不足からかちょいとばかし音声が途切れ途切れになってしまう。
 あぁ、光ファイバーとおニューのマシンが欲しい…。貯金しよ、貯金!

 でも、なんだか楽しみが増えた気分。

 誰かお話する?

 あ、オレ口べただった…。

Posted by 源九郎 at 15時51分   パーマリンク

2006年11月02日(木)

またもや [戯れ言]

 今夜もメールが来た。
 今度は『掘られたい』だと。

 一応タチだと認識してくれているようだが、無理。絶対無理!

 自分のアドレス「.」と「,」間違ってるし。これじゃどっちにしろ届かねェよ…。

 振り返ってみると、オレッていつも全然タイプじゃのない相手からばかり好意を寄せられてきた気がする。
 小・中学校の時もそうだったし、最近もまた、掲示板に載せたりすると、年が近かったりなどタイプとは正反対な人ばかり。(高校から、こっちの世界で活動する35くらいまでは皆無だった…涙)
 まぁ、身の程をわきまえずに面食いでいるオレにも問題はあるだろうがね。
 今まで付き合った2人は奇跡のような存在に思える。(実際に奇跡か)

 ダメだ、なンだか落ち込みそう…。

 あのコの写メで癒されよう…。

Posted by 源九郎 at 00時46分   パーマリンク

2006年11月01日(水)

まぢかよ、オイ… [戯れ言]

 10月13日の日記で書いたオレのことを「めんこいね」と云ってきたジジイからまたメールが来た。まさか、またメールが来るとは思っていなかったから、ちょっと驚いた。

『君がめんこくて仕方がない。』『源九郎君を見ると、少しムラっときます。』だと。まぢかよ。まぁ、「蓼喰う虫も好き好き」とはよく云うが、とんだゲテモノ食いもいたものだ。

 ボランティアだと思って『源九郎君のエロいチ○ポとめんこい顔の、画像よろしく!』と云われてもねぇ…。残念ながらそれは出来ない。
 気持ちは判らないでもないけど、ジイさんには申し訳ないけど、実際「ごめンなさい」なンだよなぁ。

 …う〜ン、困ったもンだな。

 無視しても許されるよね。

Posted by 源九郎 at 02時01分   パーマリンク

2006年10月31日(火)

メアド、ゲット! [その先にある光]

 メールアドレスッて、なンだか特別なものに思えるのはオレだけだろうか? 特に気になる人の携帯アドレス。

 なンていうのかなぁ、携帯ッて大抵常に身に付けていたりするから、“繋がっている”ッて感じるンよ。別にすぐに返事は来なくてもいいンだ。そりゃ、都合だってあるからね。返事が全く来ないのは寂しいけど…。

 そンなメアドをゲットした。なンだかちょっと近づけた気分。
 それからどうなるわけでもない。そンなの判っている。
 ただのオレの思い込みだ。気分なのだ、気分。
 気分だけでそれなりに満足できるのはオレの性分か。一人に馴れてしまっているからか…。
 一人に馴れても平気なわけじゃないよ。

 判っているからそれ以上のわがままは云わない。望まない。何となくでいいから繋がっていてくれればそれでいい。

 虚しいけどね。寂しいけどね。

 そして時には、辛い目を見ることもあるけどね。

 それでも、ちょっとは嬉しいのさ。

Posted by 源九郎 at 18時28分   パーマリンク

2006年10月27日(金)

気になるあのコ [その先にある光]

 惚れっぽいのも困りものだねぇ。
 若いコと絡むと、どうしてもその相手が『気になる存在』になってしまう…。

 まぁ、オレは今は全くのフリー。誰のことを気にかけようと問題もクソもない…よね…。いずれにせよ、オレがいくら気にかけようと、どうにもならないコトなンだけどね。
 結構昔ッから知っているだけに『焼けぼっくいに火がつく』とはこのコトか?

 メル友のコトも気になるし、オレッて結構浮気性?

 …あぁ、所詮はムダな妄想だ…。

Posted by 源九郎 at 13時26分   パーマリンク

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